Jesus died for me. I know this, I believe this. I was thinking about this at church this Sunday and it reminded me of my thoughts three years ago. Let me take you back. I had just transferred to the local community college from Iowa State and was living at home. My thoughts we're regarding my unworthyness. I was not living a life worthy of God's grace. I was bound in internet pornography, not necessarily addicted but certainly within it's grasp. I hated it, and I still do. I told no one until a year and a half later. It is a scary place to be folks, very scary. But the point is that I was unworthy of God's grace, mercy and forgiveness. I knew it too, I knew how unworthy I was. I remember talking to the girl I liked at the time and relaying my thoughts, "why in the world would God send Jesus to die for me? I just don't comprehend." There is only one reason, and that is His love for me. But still, it amazes me, all for the sake of love? In my finite mind I find it unconprehensible to imagine God Himself taking on a frail human body to die such a death. Even now, even though I am not "living in sin," I am certainly not pure of heart or by any way sinless.

I forget sometimes how unworthy I stil am. Fogive me of the sin within me. I forget the cost of Your grace. May I never forget the cost of the cross, the cost of my sin, the cost of grace, the cost of true life. Thank you God, thank you Jesus for true life.

Well, beyond that. I am finishing up on my paper, only have the conclusion and the abstract left. Matt and I are both kind of ill, so that sucks. I have been encouraged greatly by people lately. I got a couple of encouraging notes in the mail, benn verbal encouraged and even got an awesome gift bag full of bananas, candy and another note. So to those of you taking part of that, thank you, you make me feel loved!!! :) So, yeah, I'm feeling good about life. If I had to ride into the sunset, I would be content. you have my love.

three questions and several random points.

What if students at trinity desired clean hands?
What if students at trinity wanted pure hearts?
What if students at trinity lived repentant lives?

Just a three questions. Keep praying. 31 days. Im giving up Simpson reruns. Making my room a place of prayer from 5-5:30. I saw Nick Collison play his last high school game ever. Now Nick is carrying Kansas to victory. And me too. Jess got two good news in one day. Thank goodness. The book "Intended for Pleasure" by Ed Wheat is amazing. Every couple about to get married should read it. I prayed for my future wife last night. I cant wait to romance her. I prayed for my future childern last night. I cant wait to hold them. I already love them. The paper is coming nicely. Thanks for those of you praying for me. Please continue. Its due Wednesday the second. I flossed tonight. I am listening to Johnny Cash now. Simply amazing. Beautiful night. And to all a goodnight.

Sorry folks, no big revelations. I am a bit busy this week with my senior research paper. Its a toughie, I am sitting at 7.25 pages and its a minimum of 20. It is due in one week, on Wednesday. I could use your prayers to get through it and don't forget to pray for our troops with a big battle ahead of them ( CNN ). Well, back to my paper, have a wonderful day.

Everyday


What Dave Matthews Song Are You?
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So right its amazing. Well, back to smoking weed.

I'm feeling quite pensive. I don't know why. I just am feeling uncomfortable around people tonight. Maybe I want to sit in my room and listen to Radiohead all night, whats wrong with that? Days like this, all I have is God and music, thats all that seems to matter. Anyway, new topic. I really don't know how to recieve compliments. People have really been complimenting me lately, and the only appropriate response I can think to say is 'thank you.' But in my heart, I feel like when I say 'thank you' it like I'm saying 'yes, it is all me.' What I would rather have come across is 'thank you God for working in and through me, and praise you for not being done with me.' Anything good you see in me is because of God, and maybe some good parenting. But I do thank those you have edified me, I do appreciate it even if I don't know how exactly to respond. Well, I'll be in my room listening to Radiohead all night, so, peace (and justice) to all.

If you don't know me too well, I'll let you in on a little secret: I'm a romantic. Deep in me, I am a complete and utter romantic. My future wife is in for the romancing of an astounding measure. I love thinking about "the one" and I am excited for the day when I know her. I did some writing tonight and posted it in Life After Vis. Its more of a script than anything. Act 22, is more like 22 years old. Scene 152, more like 152 days. Kind of creative I guess. James 4:13-15, "Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, 'It it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'" Good stuff there James. And if the sun sets on my "la falaise d'Etretat" I wouldn't cry either. I just wouldn't do it folks.

Step out the front door, I breath deep to crisp spring air. Rather lifting to the spirits. I think about the past couple of days and the turmoil they have brought, and the joy they've uncovered. Yesterday (Thursday) it rained, so I went out in it and enjoyed it. Soon the grass will be green and we will be reminded of the power of God's renewing grace. As I was walking in the forest I was thinking/praying/talkin with my Jesus, telling Him about what I've been going through. I started thinking about next year and it being my last semester. I began to realize that I didn't even have to come back to Trinity next semester, I know this comes as a surprise to everyone, but it was just as much as a surprise to me. So I began to realize that I could live at home and take classes for a lot less than I could here at Trinity. So I prayed about it and felt that I was supposed to look into it. So thats what I did. I looked at the classes and figured out that it could be done, and I would still get my degree from Trinity. I called my parents and they were down with it, I told Steph and Jess and they were shocked and saddened as much as could be expected from two of my close friends. It was a sad day, but I knew if God wanted me to go, I would go as much as I wanted to stay here. So as I laid myself down to sleep, I told Matt about what was going through mind, and he asked me how I could do that and still graduate from Trinity, and I was telling him about it and that I only had four classes left to my degree. "Well I have intro to social work, econ, chem, and an elective. Or, um, wait! It's not an elective, it's American church history!!" A loophole!! So I still followed God and checked out the schools at home for church history courses or philosphy of religion courses and there were none to be found. So what does this mean? Well, for now a crisis is averted. If God reveals doors for me to walk through to go home, it will be so. But for now, I will be back home next fall, here at Trinity. Craziness, but God is good. Maybe He was just checking me to make sure I was willing to give up what I love in order to follow Him, but who knows the mind of God? Not I, well, not completely I guess, if at all.

Well other news. I am 14-2 after day one of March madness!! Go Kansas!! We watched "Don't You Hate Pants?" the director's cut again tonight, how I love that movie, so much fun making and watching. I really love these guys, they're dopeness. Justin McRoberts played at FAT tonight and it was good, I really like him, he tells a lot of stories and it makes the concert more enjoyable. He sang a line about someone tripping while they run and I thought about Angie, and told her later and she said she thought about herself as well, and wondered if anyone else thought about her. It was funny, you had to be there I guess. I am loving that I can wear sandals again, they're so nice and breathable, how wonderful. Gosh, I think I might just make it folks, I just might.

In closing, my thoughts regarding the war. I hear people say 'pray for peace' and see these hippees on tv protesting. Well folks, God certainly loves peace, and that is a huge part of His nature. But how easily we forget taht He is a just God, seeking justice in all things. Our president is seeking God, and hopefully is listening. God wants justice, hopefully George does too. So DO pray for peace, but DO NOT forget to pray for justice and that our troops and our nation may provide justice in humility and without it being in a self-seeking manner. Peace, Justice, Humility, walking hand in hand, they are beautiful. Your assignment: hug someone you normally don't hug, ask if you can pray for someone, or go up to someone you normally don't say 'I love you' to and tell them you love them. Love, it can change the world...

Its an arid land, not a desert, but arid. The mountians are close, and the city is growing further behind me. I walk alone towards my next goal, not the final destination, but the place I am going to be next. I get letters from friends sometimes that say they're doing ok, but wish things were better. Other travelers are seen but not heard, its ok 'cause I would ignore them anyway. I miss my brother and my sister, but not them, just their words and the feel of their hands. I just want to be in the mountains, I just want to be with my Father.

Kind of a down night tonight. I feel like swearing a lot, maybe a beer. I remember when I didnt know what sin was, or that swearing was bad. I could console my soul with music and writing poetry. But at the same time, God's love for me is incomparable to anything that is me. "F*** my face, F*** my name" according to Conner, I agree. Screw all that is me. Fill me with God. Thats all that matters, and thats all that is beautiful anymore.

Last night Jessica and I went on a walk and talk. It was good, it had been a long and stressful weekend. Friday night we spent all night working on our movie, Sat. and Sun I spent a lot of time working on my paper, and Sat. night Matt, Jess, Ang and I went out to mini-golf, scrabble and swinging in the park. So anyway, Jess needed to get out of her room and I wanted to pray for her about the whole room thing (if you don't know what I am talking about: Jess' room was killing her with some mold in it). So we walked for almost an hour and a half talking about a lot of things. One thing I talked about was that my frustration with blogging right now, allow me to explain. I really, really desire to be completely open and real in my blogs, but right now the only non-superficial thing on my mind is something that pertains to a person who reads this. So instead of writing things that might make this person uncomfortable, I just don't write at all. Quite frustrating if you ask me. Other than that my life is fairly boring. I have a lot of stuff to do in the next two weeks, including two mid-terms and the biggest paper EVER! Not really, but it is definitely the biggest and most important paper that I have ever written. My friends Josh and Bradford got in late last night after going to the wrong Trinity at first, it will be fun to have them around for at least a couple of days, they're good guys. By the way, quite a nice few past days we have had, so a big thanks to God for sunshine and high pressure zones. Have a wonderful Monday and St. Patrick's day, peace.

I am listening to Bright Eyes' album, "Lifted" right now, and it is fitting. Conner's voice screaming in some sort of wonderful, painful way that he can only understand. My heart was confirmed by a friend yesterday, it was wonderful but I knew that the circus was over. As fun as it was and as much as I wanted to live there it is probably better that I move on. But I won't turn my back on the circus, it will be a good time but not a way of life for me. I don't expect you to understand, but I had to write my feelings out in some sort of way. It's raining outside, and it seems as though the sun is about to shine, and it will. Oh, how it will shine.

This post may sound a little random, but thats because it is a collection of my thoughts since the last post, so it would've been a couple of posts but alas, I had no internet. First an update on my trip. We hung out with some of Tab's friends and had a DOPE ice cream desert (carton of ice cream, pack of oreos, carton of cool whip, mix, put in freezer) and then I feel fast asleep. Went to church and sat behind the Coors' owner, apparently Philip Yancey goes there too. Saw John Bergren, he looked a little suprised to see me. Then we went out to Mt. Falcon and hiked about 5.4 miles in sun and snow with Tab in her sandals. What a hoot. It wore me out and now it feels nice to relax and talk to you, my blog. I'm going to DenSem's chapel tomorrow and head out back to Chicago, heck yeah!!

Yesterday I had a great conversation with Tab over some free Chipotle about spiritual leaders and spiritual growth in marriage/romantic relationships. I sat down, thought and do what I do well, write out a summary of my thoughts and understandings. So, here it goes (3.8.03). In a marriage/romantic relationship there must be both individual spiritual growth and spiritual growth as a couple. If one person from the couple depends on the other for all their spiritual needs it has become idolotry. In a realtionship where both types of growth are occuring, individual growth will encourage growth as a couple and growth as a couple should encourage individual growth. So the question remains; what, in terms of a marriage/romantic relationship, is a spiritual leader? It cannot be one who provides "spiritual growth" because only God makes growth occur (1 Cor. 3:6). Is it someone who allows their spouse or significant other to grow on their own? I think not, there needs to be growth together. Rather, I see a spiritual leader as one who walks with their significant other at all times and enbales spiritual growth through love, sacrifice and mutual submition.

So that was that. Any comments, let me know. I know its not perfect or the the "right" understanding of the topic, but it hopefully is a good way to think about it. Oh yeah, does anyone know my roommates middle name? I left a long and annoying message on his voice mail but any guesses before I find out?

"One less day in the mountains is one day closer to you."

Here it is in early March in Denver and I am wishing I had brought shorts. Its 59 degrees out today, simply amazing weather. I did the whole tour thing yesterday, DenSem is such a cool place. I sat in on three classes and really enjoyed them. It looks like the place for me, the question now is when or what else? It is all in God's hands I guess. Last night after a Mediterranian dinner I introduced Tab to "Waiting for Guffman", I don't think she thought it was as funny as the 104ians think it is. We went to this indie record joint this morning called Twist and Shout. It was a really dope store, imagine Empire Records, but indie. I got a Bright Eyes and a Death Cab CD. So while Tab is working this afternoon I am going to bum around and do some homework and relax. Let me just let you know that I can turn to my left and see the mountians out the window. Sweet (JS style). Well, from the mountians, good afternoon!!

(written at 3:10 AM on the train)

I figure if you're tired enough you can sleep just about anywhere, so thats why I am still writing this late. Eventually I'll be tired enough to sleep in the cramped seat of the train. Reminds me of the time we took that Italian night train through Austria that smelled like urine the whole time. Jess and Ang left earlier today (yesterday) and made it back alright. It was great getting to know Ang(ie)(ela) better. She is really an awesome young woman of God (Jess too!!) and a killer scrabble player. And Jess is quickly climbing the ranks of Vis' Friends (refer to the relationship flow chart, diagram 6:19). I have thought more about the small group I want to lead this summer, I want to invite RJ and Brian to it and see what happens. It will be different than the one Pav and I lead for CM 180 and be a lot about what it means to be a man.

So that is all in yesterday and I am on my way to the mountains, to Denver, all to visit a place for even more school. Its kind of scary, and I'm not really sure right now what I want to do about seminary. There are a lot of options and a lot to think about while considering this. I've been in school so long that it would feel weird not to be in school, but I have to start someday, right? But alas there are extenuating circumstances that are effect further schooling and work, and I am sure that things might happen that I can't forsee. I know God's hand is in this and He will continue to lead me along in the course of His will. He always has, and He always will.

You might notice more activity on the "Life After Vis" blog, and not just by me. I want to open it up to be a place where the friends of vis can post creative writings of their own and lyrics that touch their hearts. For the most part it has just been lyrics so far, but that always can change with the ease of a summer breeze. Oh, and two random questions, 1) Where can I find a sequin jump suit? and 2) How can I practice scrabble by myself? Let me know if you are interested in being part of the "Life After Vis" blog, sign the book or email me, whatever your delight may be. Peace Out (publications?).

A lot on my mind tonight, good stuff though. I met with Ben(ny) and talked with him about life. He was in eighth grade when I started working with the junior high group at church and I was a senior in high school. Now he is the senior in high school. It has been a wonder seeing these seniors grow, and it will continue to be a joy. I want to lead a small group for some of the guys in high school and college about "life as a guy" and what goes with that. God has taught me a lot about being a man and I want to let guys know what I've learned. I went to a Phil Keaggy concert tonight. Oh my crap, if you EVER get the chance, go see this guy play guitar. It was amazing. I got beat by Ang in scrabble, breaking my win streak. I had to give her a back rub and nearly put her into a coma. So life is good. There is a lot of things to say, and although I know the goal of this blog is to be real I don't feel obligated to share this info that is making my heart glad. I will say this though, my friends rule!!!

Random idea from today. Bob Grothendick should be Mr. Rodgers replacement. Maybe a little name change, but imagine the possibilities. If you know him, you know that I am right, he would be perfect. We should begin the campaign soon, seriously folks.

I am having a great time over break so far. Let me fill you in (other than the wedding stuff). I started by seeing Chadwick Friday evening which was awesome. I miss talking to Chad about the mysteries of life (girls) and just shooting the breeze. The connection that we have one is so irregular between guys that it is a friendship to be cherished. We drove the usual hour or two. Saturday after the wedding the girls, Jessica and Angie, showed up. We went out on the town with Jason and went to Java Joes. Ran into my boy Josh, who smelled a lot like smoke, and caught up with him. I love that kid but I don't know where hes headed. Took them on a brief tour of West Des Moines and went to Chad's house to play pool. They are the first people from Trinity to meet him (outside of Karen and Jessica W.). So I told them they were very privileged to meet him, and I mean it. I wish everyone could meet him. Church was good, and the rest of Sunday we lounged around, played Scrabble. Today was similar except we slept in, went out to lunch, then lounged around. I really enjoy not having anything to do, but it just feels weird not to be doing anything. I went and saw Darol tonight, the last time before he moves. It was great hanging out with him and Spencer (his 4-year old) but I miss him a lot and I wish he was still in ministry and was happy with what he did. Anyway, I love him, and will miss him being in my life. Moving on. I am really having fun with Jess and Ang, beating them in scrabble, listening to music, watching movies, giving them tours, etc. Such good friends. Well, I think I will go join them in their reading. Peace.

P.S. - one step closer to "yes" for those of you that know what I am talking about.

It really upsets me that some people haven't gotten it through their heads that I am not the same guy they met senior year in high school. I am COMPLETELY different, so get over it. I enjoy being serene and calm, not doing the crazy crap I used to do. I still on occasion do some wacky stuff in the dorm, but I'm not Mr. hyper/funny guy all the time. Ask my friends at school, its true. I don't even think anyone from the Des Moines area really reads this, so who cares, it allows me to vent. I'm ready to move past this place (with the exception of certain people and family). I guess thats it.

Hey folks, well, I am tired. I got 5 hours of sleep and drove about 5 hours today too. I love being home. My parents are awesome. Hanging out with Chad is always refreshing. I went to a wedding rehersal that I am an usher in. I liked the bride to be for a while a couple years ago, we're still good friends now even though I rarely see her anymore. I didn't know anyone at the rehersal, hopefully someone I know will show up at the wedding.

Sorry I am writing only superficial crap in here. There is so much I want to pour into this, but I can't. I know the goal of my blog is to be real, but right now isn't the time to spill my heart. I only wish I could...