Exactly one year ago today Brett, Tab, Rach, Meggs and I discovered Garmisch. Not discovered it like the Vikings discovering North America (not that jerk Columbus), but we discovered it for ourselves. It truly is a place of beauty, so peaceful, serene, quiet; quite amazing it is. I can't wait to return, and return I will!! I would sell my own organs to go back there, honestly. Speaking of "Honestly," the Zwan album is amazing, if you like good music, you should be purchasing it within 24 hours. In other news, I heard Cardboard Canary play tonight, even though the sound system was horrible for a band like them, they sounded good. I think they honestly have gotten better, and their new songs are really good. Well, I haven't slept well lately so I think I am off to bed now, so, yeah. you have my love.

a lyric, a time, a crusade, a line
one minute, a friend, a road without end
Zwan, "Lyric"

A toast, to begin a new year of life. Heres to the small things in life, that we may never fail to recognize their greatness. To songs that heal and songs that make growing up make sense. To westbound highways and driving at night. To sunsets that set the sky ablaze and the stars that replace the sun's fiery brightness. To purity and all that it entails. To watching the youth become all that you wanted them to be. To dreams that keep us alive. To journeys that seemed only to be but a dream. To faith and hope, for which brings us the new day. To peace and patience, keeping us ever still before our God. To friendship without boundaries, restraints or fear. To the sound of typewriters keeping time to an old radio. To red trucks and a good breeze. To paths that shall never cease, and kingdoms worth fighting for. To first loves and last words. To rivers that sing us to sleep and mountains that steal our breath. To sleep, and may someday we truly find it. To honor. To those who shed blood for the sake of their friends. But above all, to the glory of the risen Christ, the Father our maker, and the Holy Spirit who makes us his temple. May this year be blessed and may God reveal his love and power unto the world through his people and through his Spirit. you have my love, always.

A Crazy Birthday Indeed

It started with four dreams. In the first, my dad sold my dog and I was pissed off so bad. I was breaking things and hitting things; I woke up so angry that I couldn't sleep for about 45 minutes. Second dream: I was driving a large U-Haulish truck and got shot by a police officer. Third dream: don't really remember details, but it was odd. Fourth one: All I remember is seeing a picture of a young boy with the caption, "the last gentle prophet." Creepy, yet a good band name.

Finally decided to get up as to not have any more weird dreams at about 8. I've decided that if I stretch my hamstrings out, do some light ab work, and push ups in the morning I may be a healthy person, so hopefully I will keep that up. After the usual morning routine I went to Wellspring (Christian book store), bought "Postmodern Youth Ministry" and the Watashi Wa CD with a gift certificate that I got last night after a wonderfully filling dinner at Red Lobster and cake at Grandma's apartment. Then it was off to JC Pennys (with another gift card) to buy not one, but TWO jeans, bringing my grand total of wearable jeans up to three. Then to Barnes and Noble where I bought Kerouac's "On the Road," a book about travel mishaps, a German-English dictionary and a German road map. After that was Best Buy to buy Counting Crow's "August and Everything After," Simon and Garfunkal's greatest hits, and the Zwan CD. All that was bought with birthday cash. Oh yeah, and while I was at B&N my friend Sarah called from Cali, where she is spending her summer serving at a variety of places. We talked for a half hour about life and our summers and how she felt about Chad getting engaged (ex-girlfriend, etc.). It was great talking to her, shes going to change the world for Christ, just one of those people.

After that busy morning I spent the afternoon watching The Godfather II and cleaning the house for my party. It is rather odd that I threw my own birthday party, but if I didn't plan group fun, no one else would. It has come down to that, after this summer there really won't be anymore of the group around, so hopefully I won't be around either. I spent every last dollar I had for soda and food, so that was good. The party itself was alright, girls on the couch, boys at the table playing Axis and Allies. Then watching baseball and having ten conversations at once. It was good to see my friend Josh. I have known him since I became a Christian and worked with the Jr. high youth group. He was in my first 8th grade class. He kind of seemed to wander away, getting caught up with the not-so-great crowd, but he has seemed to mature well this past year. He is very intelligent, has learned to play the guitar really well, is well cultured, etc. He has been dating a girl that will be a junior in high school as he is going into college, they actually seem to be great for each other; I wouldn't have picked it, but hey, good for them. Eventually everyone left except Andrew and another Josh, so we smoked my birthday cigars on the porch and talked guy talk.

Overall, a below average birthday, nothing amazingly special, but it wasn't bad. I'm now 22, next year I'll be 23, and I'll wake up oh-so-soon and find that I'm 27. Kind of exciting, yet depressing all at once. Man, being older than the majority of your friends has a weird effect on you. Anyway, I'm looking forward to school, seeing Brad and my brothers and sisters at TIU. Eh, growing up, moving on. Such a wonderful season, yet with its many difficulties. God will lead me on. As for you; you have my love.

Speaking of romance, did I mention that I can't wait to grow another beard? Although I've had this theory that when I grow my beard out I am less likely to have girls attracted to me, Katie actually dated me when I had a horrible looking beard. But, the story is that I was looking at some old pictures and saw my three phases of facial hair, thus far at least. The first is facial hair-less. Man does my chin look bald. Yeah, I don't think I will ever shave my gotee off again, nor will I dye my hair black ever again. That was one stupid night. Anyway, then there is the gotee, or chintee, that is what I have now due to working in a church. It looks good, not too long, not too short, just right. And lastly, the beard phase. I have to admit, my last full-pressed attempt at growing a beard looked nice, then I shaved it for junior/senior and grew back a poor replacement until this summer whence I shaved it for four months. There were two pictures of me with a beard, the first picture was at Steph's birthday party two years ago. It was a pretty ugly sight, not long enough to look real, and it didn't even connect at the bottom. But then there was a picture from this spring, and man was it a good beard, not what I would call the perfect beard, but nonetheless a good one. Jay from Monday's Hero had a good one too. I think he has since shaved it off also. The summer is just too hot for a beard. I'm sure all the girls out there are totally and utterly repulsed by this post, but hey, its better than being bitter towards romance, right? Ha. Um, yep thats it. you have my love.

Romance frustrates me severely. I would rather it die than have a lifetime membership to Dairy Queen. Ok, ok, maybe I am a little bitter at this hour. I feel so young, yet I have friends younger than me that are married, and I don't feel ready to commit to baked beans over fries as a side dish. I know I want to marry someday, and I would love to settle down as soon as possible, but as I examine my life I find that I am WAY too young to give up so many things. But of course, one gains a great deal of things when you step into such committed relationships. So, my conclusion is... I would get married tomorrow if I could, but seeing as that won't happen tomorrow, or any day within my range of limited vision, I will live my life as committed to only the Lord Jesus. And I will have a lot of fun living life. Hopefully. By the way, I turn 22 a week from today (Friday) so all you readers can send me an e-card or something, or just send a birthday prayer up to God for me. I think that is all the new business I have, so, yeah. you have my love.

Lyric of the day: "I'll do what I go to, the truth is you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleedin on your shirt," from Taking Back Sunday's "The Blue Channel." Those crazy punk rockers. Well, in other news, I was reminiscing about an old flame, actually the first girl I ever REALLY liked. Good ol' Lindsey Boots. I wonder what ever happened to her. It was junior year of high school; we had 3D art together, sat at the same table. She was quiet and athletic, played softball I believe. I actually called her, twice, but no answer, I was so scared to call, let alone leave a message. Then that summer I became a Christian, I kept an eye out for her at school, but didn't really pursue anything. I guess its just one of those, "I wonder what would have been" moments. But now I am here and I know that the "would've been" moments are "never could've been" moments, because God is sovereign of all that jazz. Still makes you wonder though. I mean, of the five girls I have ever really liked, she was the first. That could look good on a resume for her. Or not, ha. you have my love.

I just spent the last hour or so reading my past blog posts, and it was quite interesting. It has been almost 9 months that I have been blogging, so it was weird reading about all my struggles and concerns, remembering the mysteries behind my ambiguous posts and laughing at my randomness. I did realize that I say goodbye quite well. March 31st was the first time I began ending with "you have my love." I just like that phrase, so simple yet so true. It is more than "I love you" it is as though that love that I do have for you is given back TO you. Does that make sense? I sure hope it does. Anyway, I am glad I began blogging again, it is quite freeing, I hope you feel that same way. I better go to bed now, I am going to be way too tired tomorrow. (would I end it any other way?) you have my love.

I'm so lazy I didn't even do paragraphs on that last post; what a bum!

As I was emptying my travel CD case I decided to do a list of the best CDs that I own. I Got about 15 of the near 200 CDs and realized that after the top two, there weren't really any easy descions. SO, the top TWO CDS that I own are.....

Second place: Jets to Brazil, "Perfecting Lonliness" fav. track: "Further North" This is an excellent blend of rock 'n roll and emo. Just down right good music.

And numero uno: Jimmy Eat World, "Clarity" fav. track: "For me this is Heaven" This is the most amazing album I have ever heard. They may have gotten famous for "Bleed American," but this is about 8 times better, if not more. I can't even begin to explain how good it is.

So, if you don't own these two CDs, I suggest going and buying them right now. Unless of course you don't share my music tastes, then you are forgiven. But, you still may want to buy them, you know, just in case. you have my love.

Yikes, its been too long, but alas a busy week has passed. I was only in the office for about 2.3 days this past week, working on revising the small group. Monday night I saw Denison Witmer down at Vaudeville Mews. He is really good, a terrific songwriter. I bought two CDs, both very good, I however would recommend "of Joy and Sorrow," although "Philadelphia Songs" has the greatest CD jacket I have ever seen. Thursday I left for Bloomington, Illinois for one of my former roommate's wedding. As soon as I got there I had to move Ann's (the bride) piano that Adam (the groom) had gotten her, because her family's basement flooded. After that Adam, Kyle (the guy who started the TIU blog revolution), Jeremy (best man), Nate (another roomie and my future RA), Phil (Ann's brother) and I went to Peoria for Uno's pizza and a Peoria Chiefs' baseball double-header. Phil and Jeremy yelled the entire game at the players and batboys. There was the South Bend third baseman, Mayobanex, and the Peoria first baseman John SANTOR!, and of course the shortstop Milko Varamillas. Such slogans were said, "Me Santor, you Jane," "Got Milko?," "Next time don't use preparation H, use Mayobanex!" and so on. Phil convinced the batboy to give him a ball with a, "hey kid, that ball isn't playable anymore" and then attempted, "hey kid, that bat isn't playable anymore," after a walk. It was great, and nearly alcohol-free. We then smoked cigars while Jeremy yelled at a couple making out. Then to Steak and Shake and to bed. Friday we played some home run derby, got tuxes, the other groomsmen showed up (Andrew [tall and beloved roommate] and Josh [sweaty and beloved roommate]), rehearsal, blah blah blah. And then came the big day. Ah Adam and Ann, my ride to church, my baseball buddy and his woman, it was great to see them so happy. It all went off without a hitch and according to plan. I saw Katie for the first time in a while, and lo and behold: no awkwardness!! Amen to that. Although there was one point when we were sitting next to each other and I nearly put my arm around her, that would've been cause for awkwardness, geez, what was I thinking?!? We danced and decorated their car (with whipped cream and 3XL tightie whities) and sent them off. Later that evening some of us hung out, went to Bennigans, parted ways and went to bed. Got up, ate, showered drove home, bought the new Radiohead CD since about 1.4 million of my friends have insisted on me owning it (including NEW head of Trinity Chapel, David Whited!!) so I got it. And that about brings me to this very point of time. Nothing deep today folks, just that. I am getting fairly sleepy, so until next time (and continuing on beyond that), you have my love.

Psalm 37:4 says that if we delight in the Lord the desires of our heart will be given to us. Since I am convinced of the authority of the Bible, I agree with that. BUT, what exactly does it mean to delight ourselves in the Lord? I usually like to answer questions like this with big words and fancy grammar, but I am stumped with it. And furthermore, I am worried that I will one day find myself "trying" to delight myself in the Lord, even though I don't know what that is, just to receive the desires of my heart. I know that the desire of my heart is to serve God, seek to build His Kingdom, and to seek His righteousness, but also to one day become a Godly husband and father. I don't know what plans God has for me, but I petition before him that those desires will bear fruit. If nothing more in my life, may I raise a Godly child or two. You know, that is a vital part of building the Kingdom of God, remember that one. Anyway, if you have any idea on what it is to delight ourselves in the Lord, let me know; and I am reading "Desiring God" by Piper so maybe that will shed some light too. Well, I hope you've had a great weekend, may your week be blessed and merry. you have my love.

Hangnail is no longer a band, as of July 1st, but as they reminded me tonight, "home is on the way." Fireworks were great; the blasts ripped through the sky, sounding just like thunder. In one week I will feel at home for the first time in a while, hanging out with the 104 crew at Adam's wedding. I don't see anything wrong with Christians drinking with responsibility. 1 and 2 Kings are great books of the Bible. I ordered a German/English Bible several days ago online at Amazon.com. Repentance is key. I like the night better because of stars. Driving to me is euphoric. I like to wear a rubber band on my left wrist and I don't know why. I got within twenty feet of two deer last Sunday and they did nothing. I miss October and Europe. Sometimes I think I smell something like a train or a train station and I get excited. Believing and living are two different things. I wonder what next Fourth of July will be like for me. my love is with you.

Well, today I turn five. Spiritually that is. Five years ago on July 2nd, 1998 my friend Karen lead my in the sinner's prayer and I placed my faith in Jesus Christ as my savior. That very night I got separated from the group and spent an hour feeling lonely and insignificant. Tonight, well, I feel similar. This summer has been a lonely one; not a whole lot of friends around, and those that are around are as busy as I am with little time to hang out. I've been wondering about what impact my life has on others, my significance that is. I fight the battle of significance versus humility. On one hand I want to be recognized as someone who changed lives for God, someone who helped build the kingdom. But on the other hand, I don't want attention; I don't want people to see me rather than God at work through me. My nature is to do things without recognition, yet I hunger for encouragement, but when encouraged I shrink away from it. I am an odd fellow. I don't really see any projected relationships in the near future and that does get me down, even though my heart knows better. So what do I do? Well, Just like five years ago, I trust in Jesus. That is all I can do sometimes. Hope is the bravest thing we have. Amen to that. you have my love, and today especially you Karen and you Jesus.

What Finding Nemo Character are You?
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Is that girl wearing a shirt?? I don't know about that alternative rock picture. Anyway, this one is fairly accurate also, except the confidence part. These things are fun. Anyway, tomorrow is my spiritual birthday, I turn 5. How exciting. Maybe I will post the story and such. Um, that thing with Sarah is a no go, which is good. My friend Taryn's daughter, Kamryn, turns two on Sunday so the girl's small group through her a birthday party. Taryn was shocked, and hopefully blessed. I stopped over before and dropped off a children's book by Max Lucado, "The Children of the King." Quite a good read, you should be reading it now instead of my simple words. In other news, only a couple guys showed up for the guy's small group, I am considering doing a little switcheroo with it. Its in the process, I just want to see God work in our lives and see the guys be encouraged and even discover how they can grow more. Well, I am rock-dead-tired so I am going to visit the couch now and see how my boys on Law and Order are doing. you have my love.