Portland to Des Moines to question marks

As I looked at the calender Friday morning I realized that it had been exactly one year since I had flown from PDX to DSM. What has occurred in the past twelve months has been, well, not really easy. I moved back here because I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life [among other reasons]. The question of what to do with this life 'o mine has since haunted me. Over the course of my life I've wanted to be an architect, a rockstar [still..], an aerospace engineer, a pastor, an astrophysicist and a writer. Though as great as working as a "laborer" at a law firm is, I really, really would like to move on and do something else with my latterday twenties. My parents ask me what I would like to do and the only answer I have for them is that I would like to pay off my student loans.

The interview I had several Fridays ago, in my opinion, went smashingly well. Though when I found out last Thursday that I did not, in fact, get the job, I became deeply frustrated. As I sit here now I wonder if getting that job would've changed anything in my heart. Sure, it would've helped pay my college bills off a bit quicker, but would it have made me feel any more complete of a person? I suppose not. I keep on waiting for some event/job/relationship that will truly carry me into an actualized adulthood, but it keeps withdrawing from my grasp. At least my facial hair status is in the adult category [beard!].

So I've spent plenty of time this weekend thinking about what the future holds for me [while enjoying quite a few graduation parties and their free food] and dreaming of the things to come. And there I was, emptying the dishwasher, and pondering again; 'I sure would like to do something that I enjoy and that I wouldn't necessarily hate', when I had a revelatory thought. Whatever I end up doing, how would it be helping others? Helping myself to happiness and a lower-middle class wealth is nothing if doesn't bless others. It's another piece of the equation, and one that I too often forget to give any regard. With that on my plate I'll go into this four day week, thinking and pondering and so on, this is important stuff you know. And I have to at least have a job in which I can afford to buy my own hookah. you have my love.