There will be snacks

I was inspired yesterday. Such are the days when one sits in front of the television for far too long because it's all snow and slush outside. During one of the many commercial breaks I laughed at the Aflac orangutan and was reminded of my friend Ryan's obsession with helper monkeys. It was then that I knew what I was to do that day: I had to post a Facebook marketplace listing: "Helper Monkey wanted".

A house of guys is in need of one helper monkey for custodial and entertainment purposes. Must provide valid certification and licensing, as well as proof of training. Monkey must be polite, as well as housebroken. If conditions are met we are willing to pay up to ten thousand Iclandic Kronas for said monkey. Please, only authentic response. Thank you.

This posting was proof-read, and contributed by myself, Seiler, JJ and Julie, and we all thought that it was quite professional and creative enough to elicit some responses. We were not wrong; within an hour I received this response from a random Dubuque student:

i have 3 helper monkeys that i am willing to sell. they are a rare breed of black monkey that sing, dance, and never sleep. they provide great entertainment (especially around mating season). they come from a line of previous slave monkeys, but are now freed. they will work only for weed and food. they are house broken, but do occasionally miss the toilet (who doesn't). they also have not yet mastered flushing yet, but i feel as though they are one the verge of a break through. they try to communicate by screaming what seems to be a long lost language, or made up. if you have any interest in these monkeys please feel free to contact me.

I figured that this posting would be the source of a great number of clever and hilarious responses, but this is a sad story. Kind of. This morning, I checked my email in anticipation of more responses, only to see this notice from Facebook:

Hello,
Your listing Helper Monkey was removed from Marketplace because it was reported by our users as being inappropriate, possibly for violating the Marketplace Guidelines. Please note that continued inappropriate postings may result in account termination. If you have any questions or concerns, you can visit our FAQ page at http://www.facebook.com/help.php?page=62

The Facebook Team

Seriously? Come on! Was someone actually offended over my desired use of a helper monkey? Is not this the United States of America? Can we not choose to use lesser creatures however we see fit? I ought to call the ACLU. Whatever.

Since Facebook and the Weather Channel have deemed it necessary to never pull out of these winter blues, I give you two fine sources of laughter: first, go to youtube and search for "trigger happy tv" and proceed to laugh for the next thirty minutes to an hour. Second, for those of you who miss the Bluths, go here and be happy. Me? I'm going to make a three year plan for the next two years. you have my love.