Reflections on five years of ambiguity

It has been five years since I left Trinity, or at least five years since I wrote this. When I left [I fuzzily recall that] I had aspirations of seminary, instead I moved back to Iowa and experienced years of ambiguity, though fun ambiguity. I did go to seminary, and yet the ambiguity remained. Then back to Iowa, some more ambiguity, and then back to undergrad, and bam! less ambiguity. Sorry, I didn't like any of the synonyms for "ambiguity".

These past five years I've had a deep longing within me for a community such as I experienced at Trinity. I found bits and pieces of it in different places; in the small group at Stu and Alan's place, surprisingly at work, with my friends in Portland, with the Barker extended family, with my friends in Ames, and along the way some short resurrections of the community I had at Trinity. Just today there is hope in the air of our upcoming new year's eve party, and yet, it's a shadow of what used to be. Albeit a good shadow.

I may have learned a few things about community in the past five years. At Trinity we didn't really have to try to create a community, it just sort of happened. It was easy because we lived, ate, went to class, etc. together. We couldn't get rid of each other, and all it took was learning to forgive one another. But for the past few years I've learned that most of the time community doesn't just happen, it takes... it takes... it takes... what? What does it take? Maybe something more than what we have. But in the meantime it sure wouldn't hurt to offer up some hard work, some patience and more than a little dying to one's selfishness. But in the end it becomes something that you can't force to happen, it just appears and is goodness. Ambiguity.

In another five years I will be somewhere else and I have aspirations to not be asking these same questions at that point. Not that I will have them figured out, but maybe I will be more content. Five years ago I couldn't imagine what I would be doing now, but today I have a few thoughts on what might be in five years' time. I hope that's a good enough start. you have my love.